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The Pasadena Protocol

The Pasadena Protocol is loosely based on the Kyoto Protocol. The clarity of the language is copied as much as possible from the original. Additionally the intent of the document and the actions to be taken by the parties is, as in the parent document, obscured in the body of the densely bureaucratic text.

http://unfccc.int/resource/docs/convkp/kpeng.html

Article 1
The parties to this protocol shall mean the parties who are listed as parties to this protocol in Annex I.
To be listed in Annex 1 all parties must have:
1. Been able to read the Kyoto Protocol without laughing out loud or scratching their heads in puzzlement.
2. Agreed to comply fully with all of the personal emissions reductions protocols prescribed in Article 5
3. Agreed to abide by at least half of the suggested personal emissions reductions protocols listed in Article 6
4. Additionally stipulated that they will refrain from all verbal or written expressions of concern about global warming until they are fully in compliance with Article 1, Section 2 and Article 1, Section 3.
5. Article 1 Section 4 is intended to proscribe parties to the protocol from taking any action that can be construed as preaching or pestering persons who are not parties to the protocol
6. Until the aforementioned party is in full compliance
Article 2
1. Whereas many persons have expressed grave concern about the consequences of global warming.
2. With knowledge that each of us individually is responsible for the health of the world
3. Recognizing that global warming may be caused by increases in atmospheric carbon dioxide caused by the burning of fossil fuels
4. Understanding that another possible cause could be the over use of modifiers in UN style writing
5. While attempting to personally reduce our individual contribution to this potentially grave situation
6. With knowledge that sanctimony without commitment borders on hypocrisy
7. Be it resolved that all parties to the Pasadena Protocol will first get their own houses in order.
Article 3
1. It is recognized that all animals are part of nature and that they will have an impact on the earth
2. It is further recognized that humans are animals and have all of the right and privileges of animals as set forth in the United Nations Extremely Important Commission on the Rights of Animals and Other Being
3. However Humans as the most capable animals must try to manage the planet
4. Since the crisis we have to work with is global warming
5. Resolved that each party to this protocol reduces their carbon dioxide emissions to below fifty percent of the average emissions of all of the humans currently on the earth.
Article 4
1. Recognizing that most concerned people are not scientists
2. Further recognizing that many of the most caring hold liberal arts degrees from second tier universities
3. Acknowledging that almost all peoples need help with the really hard math
4. Be it resolved that the target proscribed in Article 3 Section 5 is eleven and a half
5. With an awareness that eleven and a half is a really low number
Article 5
1. Each party listed in Annex I as prescribed in Article 1 must in order to reach eleven and a half or below comply with all of the following the personal emissions reductions protocols
• Own only one home
• Live within ten minutes drive of work
• Never fly anywhere for pleasure
• Never go to a car wash
• Don’t have a beer fridge in the garage
• Never eat organic food
2. With a willingness to stipulate to the difficulty of complying with these requirements parties may choose to not fully comply
3. However any noncompliance with Article 5 Section 1 will bring into force Article 1 Section 4, Section 5 and Section 6
4. Which state that until each party has complied fully with the protocol they must refrain from any action to cajole, persuade or lay guilt on persons who are not parties.
Article 6
1. Additionally each party listed in Annex I as prescribed in Article 1 must in order to reach eleven and a half or below comply with at least half of the following the personal emissions reductions protocols
• Fly infrequently for work
• Do not irrigate any ornamental shrubs or lawns
• Don’t bake bread
• Don’t shop at Farmers Markets or other inefficient distributors
• Buy food with preservatives to increase batch sizes and cut distribution
• Don’t own a private automobile
• Don’t live on a hill
• Don’t have any light bulb greater than 40 watt
2. Even though it is only necessary to comply with half of these protocols
3. With a willingness to stipulate to the difficulty of complying with these requirements parties may choose to not fully comply
4. However any noncompliance with Article 6 Section 1 will bring into force Article 1 Section 4, Section 5 and Section 6
5. Which state that until each party has complied fully with the protocol they must refrain from any action to cajole, persuade or lay guilt on persons who are not parties.