SWCAMBORNE

The Revolutionary War was over and General Washington called the troops together to address them saying: “Men, the country must be kept safe. Accordingly, I am ordering that the active duty regulars are to stand duty from Monday through Friday. On Saturday and Sunday the National Guard and Reserves will worry about our new nations security.”

And so it was, and from that day to this, the National Guard and Reserves have been known as Weekend Worriers.

Bonus Pun:  

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

An abbey was in financial difficulties, and to increase its income the brothers decide to open a fish and chips business.

One day the abbey door bell rang and one of the brothers went to welcome a customer.

When he opened the door the customer said, “Are you the fish fryer?”

The brother said, “No, I’m the chip monk.”

Bonus Pun:

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

It turns out that the “Old King Cole” of nursery rhyme fame is loosely based on a 14th century ruler.

The slightly mad monarch is best known for his decree that the entire fiefdom’s crop of cabbage be diced and drenched in mayonnaise.

He called it, of course, Cole’s Law.

Bonus Pun:

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Frog at the Bank

A frog is outgrowing his lily pad and decides to make some home improvements. He doesn’t have the money, so he hops to the bank to borrow some.

At the bank, he takes a seat at loan officer Patricia Black’s desk and explains his dilemma.

“I want to upgrade my lily pad, maybe add another window, but I don’t have the cash. Can you lend me the money?”

“Maybe. What can you offer as collateral?”

“Well,” says the frog. “All I have is this paperweight. You shake it up, and it snows on the little village. Cute, huh?”

“Hmm . . . I’ll have to speak to my manager.” She enters her manager’s office.

“Mr. Bitterby, I’ve got a frog at my desk who wants to borrow money for lily pad improvements. But all he can offer for collateral is this glass paperweight.”

Mr. Bitterby takes the paperweight, hefts it in his hand, looks at her and says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan.”

Bonus Pun:

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A thesaurus.

Dough Boy Dies

*see below

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew he was kneaded”.

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

Bonus Pun:

Broken pencils are pointless.

*  Though this image is subject to copyright, its use is covered by the U.S. fair use laws because:

      The image is used as the primary means of visual identification of the article topic.

       It is a low resolution image, and thus not suitable for production of counterfeit goods.

       The logo is not used in such a way that the reader would be confused into believing that the article is written or authorized by the owner of the logo.

       It is used in a satirical pun. (humor)

Benny in the Desert

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man’s strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to fell uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, “Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware.”

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.

The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion?

“A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.”

Bonus Pun:

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!’
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

OH, come on…. take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

Everyone knows…

You can’t kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

Bonus Pun:

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The officer ordered the sailor, “Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it’s the brig for you!”

The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.

Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn’t. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.

The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.

He couldn’t get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.

“What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?” barked the chief.

“Honest, chief,” came the reply, “I tossed a tern all night and couldn’t sweep a link!”

Bonus Pun:

PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.

A young man had been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for several years.

One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines.

The bag boy was excited and asked the manager if he could work the juice machines.

The manager turned him down.

The bag boy said, “But I’ve been working here for five years. Why can’t I run the juice machines?”

The manager said, “I’m sorry, but baggers can’t be juicers.”

Bonus Pun:

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

There where once two brothers called William and Wayne. Will was 12 years old and his little brother was 3.

The neighbors noticed they always went around together, if William went down to the ballpark, his little brother would toddle along behind him, even if the game was a bit rough, and when Wayne went to playgroup, his elder brother would come too, and sit there with all the toddlers.

One neighbor thought this was really strange, so one day he leaned over the fence and asked the boys’ mother why they were so inseparable even though they had nothing in common.

“Well,” the mother replied, “didn’t you know? ‘Where there’s a Will there’s a Wayne.’”

Bonus Pun:

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.